Rants from the Coastal Curmudgeon

The items that hold a higher ranking than “being at the beach” on my list of Things I Enjoy Most are few and, well, generally inappropriate for this blog. Suffice to say, though, that by adding “at the beach” to any of those same items thrusts them upward to a nearly incomprehensible level of enjoyment. It’s a true best-of-both-worlds situation for me. Reminds me of the Jimmy Buffett tune Smart Woman in a Real Short Skirt. No – more like sitting on a beach with my smart woman in a real short skirt listening to Jimmy Buffett sing the song by the same name. Wait…it’s really more like hanging out with my smart woman in a real short skirt and Jimmy on a South Pacific beach after a surfing session, playing guitars and singing Smart Woman in a Real Short Skirt. Oh, and Bob Marley is there. You get the picture.

Needless to say, there are very few things I enjoy more than being at the beach. Were it not for many of those who also travel to the beach, it would be Eden for me. For it is they who, on rare occasion, turn me into the Coastal Curmudgeon, the alias I will assume for this post.

Allow me to expound on these folks who, upon my most recent visit to my beloved Carolina coast, gave me pause to consider the interruptions they inflicted on my otherwise idyllic experience.

First, it is not appropriate nor acceptable to wear loosely laced high tops, baggy butt crack-showing, calf-length shorts, a wife-beater tank top undershirt, and a Major League flat-brimmed ball cap - with the brim at 5:00 - on the beach! It looks ridiculous in the mall. On the sand by the surf? Thoroughly idiotic. Try some board shorts. And if you must wear a shirt, you have options. Think loose and cool, or something with SPF protection. Headwear? Certainly. But keep in mind the words of my wise old grandfather-in-law – “I never seen a hat with the brim sewn on the back.” Oh yeah, trade in the heaps of cologne for a liberal application of sunscreen.

Speaking of apparel, let’s turn our attention to the ladies. Now, like most red-blooded males, I’m all for showing some skin. Bikinis are beautiful. If they fit. If you wear a size 18, don’t squish yourself into a 4. The saying, “If you got it – flaunt it” does not apply to fat, beer guts, rolls or hairy underarms. Is that a double standard? Damn skippy. We can’t pull off the magic you gals are able to create every day. There is a line, though. And I’ve seen some not only cross over that line but douse it in ranch dressing and cheese dip, roll all over it, wrap themselves in it,  try it on as a thong, then crush it underfoot, soak it in lighter fluid, set it ablaze, and eventually travel hundreds of miles past it.

I mentioned hairy underarms being taboo for the ladies. But where has the hair gone for the guys? Now this I kinda understand. If your woman likes a bare chest, then striving to please is not necessarily a bad thing. All I gotta say is it seems like there was a step in the evolutionary process that bypassed me in this area. If not, there is a whole lotta shaving going on. I find it laughable, and maybe a little sad, when I watch a dude go by with a silky smooth front torso and the back of a bear. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Looks silly, fellas. An all-or-nothing approach makes more sense. As for me, I’ll leave the waxing for my longboard.

This next complaint applies to the Garden City/Surfside beaches of South Carolina. If you don’t want to walk when you play golf on one of the Grand Strand’s many pristine golf courses, rent a golf cart. If you’d like to go from your rental house 5 blocks off the beach to the pier 4 miles away, take a road-worthy vehicle! Somehow, these 2 towns have seen it feasible to allow golf carts to travel on their busy streets. To make matters worse, those who drive these little misery-making machines refuse to move to the shoulder to allow the 24-vehicle build-up to pass. It’s as though they consider the streets to have been built for them. Bikers and joggers share the road and use common sense (usually), yielding to those machines made for tar and gravel travel. And many go at a higher rate of speed than the displaced duffers’ wagons. Town councils, can we not restrict golf carts to the secondary roads and require them to move over when safe? In the least, be considerate of those of us behind the wheel of a vehicle that can travel beyond 10 miles per hour. Otherwise, save the carts for use when driving a golf ball, like they were intended, not driving the rest of us slam nuts.

My final pet peeve deals with pets. Dogs are not humans. True, I prefer the friendship of a pooch to that of many a person I’ve known. But, if they are not allowed on a section of beach at certain times of the year, don’t take them out there. I can’t tell you how much I just love sifting through broken conchs, olives, and other assorted shells only to come across a pile of dog poop, in pristine condition, nonetheless. A wet nose of an overly friendly canine in my crotch makes maintaining the altitude of a kite somewhat difficult. Oh, and thanks for slobber-soaking that tennis ball my son and I were trying to toss about.

Mean-spirited? Maybe.

Uncompromising? Most likely.

Politically correct? Never.

You may hate me for what I said.

Haters gonna hate.

 

And Coastal Curmudgeons are gonna be crabby.

 

Be that as it may, I can’t wait to head back to my place in the sand.

Be Awake, Not Just Smart!

Now that the new school year is underway, students have opportunities for fresh starts, improved performance, and new experiences. Two groups of which I am always proud are the National Honor Society and National Junior Honor Society. Membership requirements are high academic achievement and service project hours. Students who are inducted (only by invitation) are expected to maintain exemplary academic and school/community service records. The typical student in the NHS takes his or her formal education seriously, putting it at or near the top of the priority list. That is where it should be at this age.

Last year, I was asked to speak at the National Honor Society induction ceremony at a local high school. The school is one of the top academic schools in our state and has a large chapter of the NHS. After shaking free of my initial puzzlement, I gladly accepted. I struggled with a topic. So, I told the truth. Here is the transcript from that speech (I hope you enjoy it). Maybe it can still resonate today:

Thanks for that intro – I’d like to meet that guy. Unfortunately you’re stuck with me.

Seriously, it is indeed an honor to be here today, to be a part of such an auspicious occasion, to join the proud families, faculty and staff in celebrating the achievements of the 2012-2013 Lexington High School’s National Honor Society inductees.

 

I must admit, after Mrs. Scurry and Mrs. Cormany first approached me and asked me to speak to you today I had a difficult time coming up with a topic. After all, there aren’t many topics that a person can effectively talk about for 90 minutes.

No, don’t worry, I know that my job is to speak and your job is to listen, and that I need to finish my job before you finish yours.

But, truthfully, I had an incredibly tough time coming up with a suitable message for today. Sure there are many topics that would be appropriate for the occasion, but none of them seemed to fit.

For instance, I could talk about the importance of honesty – how it is always wise to remember the adage – “honesty is the best policy”. But that message can really be summed up in two short comments. I once heard former NFL head coach Dan Reeves speak and he said, “Always tell the truth. That way, you never have to worry about what you said.” Short and sweet, and sums it up fairly well. Hard to make that effectively last for 15 minutes.

Then, I tried to become more philosophical – maybe that would take up more time. I thought, “What if I were to explain how to live a long life?” After much thought, I realized that the comic strip “BC” provided a very short answer for that one, too – never die.

So, I started going down my list of meaningful traits and positive practices. I turned to some speakers who have been positive influences on my life.

There’s Jimmy Valvano’s Never Give Up speech from the ESPY Awards. But, I feel certain that in order to achieve induction into the National Honor Society, you’ve all had to persevere and know the importance of perseverance.

Then, there’s this guy named Einstein - I’m sure some of you have heard of him. He said “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” But Joubert counters with “He who has imagination without learning, has wings and no feet.” In either case, I’m confident that you have utilized both very well to get where you are today.

One of the most brilliant minds of our age, Yogi Berra, made an astute observation about goals and goal setting when he remarked, “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.” Again, you’ve all obviously established significant goals and know what is required to achieve those goals.

What about success and failure? There’s certainly a lot of to choose from there. Henry Ford said, “One who fears failure limits his activities. Failure is only the opportunity to more intelligently begin again.” And Washington Irving spoke on the subject saying, “Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortunes; but great minds rise above them.” And yet again, I’m preaching to the choir. Hopefully, we understand that failure is OK, as long as we learn from it and continue to improve. Plus, I seriously doubt there are any “little minds” out there today.

By now, you should have a decent grasp on my quandary. You’ve made my rare and valuable free time somewhat miserable these last few weeks.

So, I decided that I should do what any brilliant writer, speaker, or philosopher would do in my situation. But I had no idea what that would be. So I went to the movies.

Now I must be honest, I didn’t actually physically go to the movies – that’s a major outing on a teacher’s salary. No, instead I went there in my mind. I love the movies - especially those that move me. I started mentally searching my favorite movies for inspiration and I found quite a few that were indeed inspiring. 

Overcoming odds in Rudy; Rudy!, Rudy!, Rudy!

Following your dreams in Field of Dreams, which also teaches the importance of a game of catch with your dad, or son (that part always chokes me up).

The power of love in What Dreams May Come. We could talk about that for days.

In A Beautiful Mind we learn about what is truly important in life and realize that things aren’t always as they seem.

Freedom in Braveheart. “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take away our…”

Forest Gump teaches us that life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get.

Morgan Freeman plays a judge in Bonfire of the Vanities and instructs us to be decent people, that decency is what your grandmother taught you.

And then there’s Dead Poet’s Society and Robin Williams – what an unbelievable actor – who taught us about - carpe diem, sieze the day, make your lives extraordinary. I almost stuck with that one.

But my mind wandered on to movies like

Talladega Nights where Ricky Bobby shows us…well I’m not sure he shows us anything useful. Maybe something to do with humor? I don’t know. But I know that laughter is important, too.

Well, my mind was racing – nothing seemed to really work. Then it hit me like brick. My favorite movie. My favorite movie of all time had the message I was looking for. The movie? Joe Versus the Volcano. No joke. It is my all-time favorite. For the 2 or 3 of you who have never seen it, let me give you a quick overview.

This movie is the first of 3 that pairs Tom Hanks with Meg Ryan. In the movie, Hanks plays hypochondriac Joe Banks, a man troubled by the drudgery of a mundane existence and a dead-end job dimly lit with dull fluorescents that suck the life right out of his eyes. At a doctor’s visit, Joe finds out that he has a strange ailment known as a Brain Cloud and it has no cure. Soon after, Joe is visited by an extremely wealthy business owner who challenges him to live like a king and die like a man by jumping into a volcano to appease the gods of the Waponi tribe on the tiny remote island of Waponi Woo. With only a few weeks to live, Joe Banks accepts the challenge and meets a cast of interesting characters en route to the island. One character is his (ahem) incredibly attractive co-star Meg Ryan as Patricia Graynamore, captain of the yacht that is supposed to provide passage. Needless to say, just like in their subsequent films - Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail – a love story emerges. I’m not a spoiler so I’ll just say that ultimately, Joe learns how to live as the 2 travelers face their destinies.

On the surface, the movie appears to be a simple fairy tale, when in fact it is an allegorical treat, full of symbolism, imagery, and surrealism with witty heroes and a memorable supporting cast.

During the sea voyage as Joe and Patricia are getting to know each other’s stories, Patricia makes a statement that has resonated with me to this day and has ingrained itself into my very soul. Her good looks and my subsequent crush back then had no bearing on this at all, mind you.

This is what she says:

“Almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. Only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant total amazement.”

So the challenge I have for us today is this: Be awake.

Life is amazing, a precious gift. I’m sure you’ve learned some amazing facts about our universe during your educational careers. For instance, last semester, one of your peers demonstrated to me and his classmates that the speed of light can be measured with only a microwave oven, a ruler, and a Hershey’s chocolate bar. Blew me away – amazing!

The hydra, close relative to the jellyfish, can grow its body back in a couple of days if cut in half. What? Amazing!

There are 500,000 detectable earthquakes in the world each year. Do you feel that? Oh, it’s just my knees – never mind, false alarm.

The color blue causes the brain to release calming hormones. Not sure what bearing that has on our athletic teams, whether it’s good or bad - -probably depends on which coach you ask.

Of course, you being National Honor Society inductees probably knew those amazing facts already. But to truly be amazed by life, every day, we must be awake. We should strive to live our lives, not relive our past experiences and be fearful of our futures. Patrick Loughlin likens the movie Joe Versus the Volcano to the levels espoused by the 19^th century existentialist philosopher Kierkegaard, where those who are truly awake have moved through stages of awareness of life (now stay with me here) -  from an aesthetic level, where life is devoted to a specific exciting activity, to an ethical level, where life is devoted to an abstract idea, to the final stage which is taking that leap of faith, at which point, one can truly appreciate the significance of life.

Now, I can’t tell you how to be awake. I’m still figuring that out myself. I do know that when the drudgeries of life seem to be sucking the life out of me, I simply need to awaken. Have you ever gone outside at night and stared up into the nighttime sky. It’s full of wonder. It’s hard not to be amazed when you look up into the heavens at night. Did you know that there are over a hundred billion galaxies out there? With each galaxy having billions of stars? Sometimes I listen to the innocent and imaginative perspective of my 10 year old daughter. And often it makes me wonder, how does the world lose so much beauty as we grow older?

My father and I were having a discussion by phone the other day about a book he had just read and really liked. He said to me, “Wally – (that name is not to be repeated after this) you are creative enough to write a book like that. You’d be great at it.” I replied, “Yeah, Dad, that would be great – a dream of mine even, but I just don’t have time and I have to pay the bills.” His comment – “I know you’re too busy making a living to have a life.” Now that’s a wake-up call.

I suspect that when we are truly awake, most, if not all, of those traits mentioned earlier will tend to accompany us on our journey. We may view things a little differently, though.

Instead of trying to be a success, we may try to be a value.

We may find that our inspiration is inspiring others.

Our goals may be a tad revised.

We may realize that devotion to something concrete may not bring complete fulfillment because it can be taken from us.

Due to outside influences like guilt, deadlines, and responsibility, we may conclude that devoting ourselves to our ability to choose is not foolproof.

When we are awake, though, we may then devote ourselves to something we know to be vulnerable, to overcome our fears and accept life and its joyful and painful experiences; to take that leap of faith.

It’s easy to get lulled to sleep by the everyday necessities of life, our habits, subconscious actions, responsibilities for survival and existence. And I’m not saying to shirk those responsibilities. They are a necessary part of life and will always be there, whether we’re simply making a living or living our lives.

My challenge to you and to all of us is this - that we should strive to be a value and an inspiration. Success will follow. We should strive to live in a state of constant total amazement. Let us strive to be awake. Be awake

Congratulations new inductees of the Lexington High School Chapter of the National Honor Society. Continue to do well. Thank you Mrs. Scurry and Mrs. Cormany for inviting my family and me here today. And thank you families, peers, and students for your time and attention.